Introduction

This chain of events by chronological order is likely to take place in the coming year. A combination of sophisticated statistical modeling together with the latest advances in probability modeling and reinforced by the latest (pirated) software currently used by the Prime Minister’s KPI and NKRA team have been used to arrive at these predictions. Unlike the PM’s team though, I cannot vouch that these outcomes are guaranteed.

Tiger - Out of the woods into the M’sian jungle?

The Malaysian Government is in close touch with advisers from Tiger Wood’s camp on plans for him to spend the next few months of his golf exile in Malaysia. Speaking confidentially to reporters, a senior Malaysian Minister said that assurances had been made to Tiger that there would be no pussyfooting, caterwauling or other nonsense permitted from any quarter with Tiger’s name and image during the period of his stay in Malaysia.

The same Minister claimed that Malaysia was the world leader in damage control and news spinning on sex and other high level public scandals involving prominent people.

The same source also pointed out that Malaysia’s national emblem and coat of arms (Jata Negara in Malay) consists of a shield or escutcheon and two prancing tigers. Hence, it would be entirely appropriate for Tiger to make his way to the beacon of hope and freedom that is Malaysia and to get a respite from those wishing to cage him or do worst. Inclusion of a third prancing tiger in the coat of arms would also be entirely appropriate seeing that the original was designed more than 50 years ago.

“We stand by our record of hospitality to those seeking a refuge from the chaos and madness of the outside world???, said the Minister. Quoting from the inscription at the base of the Statue of Liberty, he argued that this move by Malaysia will demonstrate to the rest of the world how serious we are at providing to “[the] tired, [the] poor, [the] huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of [the] teeming shore ….[the] lamp beside the golden door.???

Should Tiger make his way to Malaysia, which the Minister confided was likely to happen sooner rather than later, the Minister said that Tiger would be given permanent residency status as well as made the poster boy for the country’s ‘Malaysia My Second Home Programme’.

He noted that the advertising contract for the campaign presently lacked ‘oomph’ and that Tiger’s endorsement would be a win-win situation for both parties. Tiger would be able to recoup much of his lost millions in commercial endorsements, and Malaysia’s global standing would skyrocket. He cautioned reporters though not to mention the failure of the government to offer golfer Vijay Singh permanent residency status two decades earlier. “There was no racial agenda then and now???, it was stressed.

‘Putusan’ wins inaugural award for worst paper in region

An international jury of eminent newspaper editors and media experts awarded the inaugural award for ‘Worst Newspaper of Asia’ to the paper Putusan Malaysia.

Describing the paper as extremely consistent in its adherence to low journalistic standards and political sycophancy, the jurists noted that the editorial content and reporting of the paper had in fact reached new and unprecedented lows in the last six months in its coverage of national and international issues. The unanimous decision by the 24 panelists now enables the paper to advance to the next stage of the competition, which is at the global level.

Describing the award as a testimony to the hardworking staff and their strong commitment to the most pure form of self-interest and opportunism, the paper’s editor declared that what distinguished the paper from others was the refusal to kowtow to any form of journalistic standards and to answer only to the political masters that paid for their salaries and other perks. This is, he pointed out, part and parcel of our political culture where, in his opinion, “anything and everything is, and should be, for sale???.

“Where else in the 1Universe do you get such an open and whole-hearted embrace of the profit and self-interest motive in running a newspaper???? the editor challenged the panel in his acceptance speech.

Most media analysts believe that the Putusan has a good chance at winning the global award, especially since it is likely to ramp up further its provocative and volatile mix of religious and racial messages in time for the coming Malaysian elections commonly assumed to be in early 2011.

Momentous discovery of Valley of Silver Mummies

Egyptologists from all over the world have booked their air tickets to Kuala Lumpur following the discovery of a valley of silver mummies and the remnants of a pharaoh who is believed to be directed related to Tutankhamun.

From the inscription on the tomb, carbon testing of the silver-lined mummy case and X-ray and CT scan taken of the mummy, the pharaoh is believed to be the boy king Semua-bolehlah I from the second Amen-to-yu Dynasty (2120 BCE–2020 BCE). The secret excavation which has been led by a team of the country’s leading archaeologists today brought Malaysia’s leaders to the sealed off site believed to be close to the Bujang Valley where there has been a string of discoveries of early cultures.

In a globally televised press conference that took place following the visit, the scholars working on the site pointed out that the discovery would lead to a major revision of the country’s history and cultural roots. In addition to our rich Asian heritage that is familiar to all Malaysians, we now can point to a distinct Egyptian influence in our past which is absolutely mind-boggling.

According to the Minister of Culture and Education, the official history and cultural text books of the country will now have to be thoroughly revised so as to take into account the momentous discovery.

The Minister of Tourism predicted that the discovery would bring at least 300,000 new visitors to the country and announced that the country’s major restaurants would organize special Egyptian nights and menus to honour the discovery.

She also announced as part of the Ministry’s proactive plan to get all Malaysian groups to support the campaign celebrating the country’s long-lost Egyptian epoch, agreement had been reached for Egyptian belly-dancing to be introduced as part of the country’s dance and fine arts tradition, but only with costumes that would cover the belly button. This would ensure that the dances would be syariah-compliant.

Zahid Heehaw, the world’s leading Egyptologist, termed the discovery the most incredible find in the last 100 years of Egyptology. Speaking from Cairo, he declared that the Cairo Museum would work with its counterpart museum in Kuala Lumpur, the Smithsonian and the British Museum to display the findings all over the world. He also held out the strong possibility that – as with similar work at Giza and other sites in Egypt, Malaysians could expect this discovery to be the beginning of many more discoveries.

Pointing out that the last great ruler of the Middle Kingdom, Amenemhat III, allowed Asiatic settlers into the delta region to provide a sufficient labor force for his especially active mining and building campaigns, he said that the discovery showed that the civilization flow was a multi-streamed one.

Meanwhile, a spokesman from the Prime Minister’s Office has pronounced that the PM is “very proud, in fact ecstatic with this discovery.??? According to him, the PM’s mission of 1Malaysia can only be enriched by this latest discovery. Srivijaya, Majapahit … now Thebes and Memphis as part of our history. Where else in the world can you find such a mix of civilizations in one country? We are truly blessed.???

No more retirement age: Work till you die for country’s leaders

The Malaysia Government today announced that it is doing away with the existing divisive Western-colonial originated system of leadership succession in the civil service and in politics. Henceforth, the top 5% of civil service and political positions would be guaranteed to their present incumbents until the day they die or voluntarily decide to move aside.

Amongst the benefits of this revolutionary succession system was the guarantee of continuity of leadership and social stability; the retention of the best talents and a reduction in the country’s pension bill. This lifelong leadership position would reduce political conflict as all leaders then would not have to deal with succession challenges or disputes and would be able to concentrate on the mission of performing their best for the country without any fear of being booted out prematurely (or until they had fully feathered their nests as one cynic pointed out).

It is rumoured that the extraordinary extension of the tenure of Election Commission chairman Abdul Rashid Abdul Rahman and Inspector-General of Police Musa Hassan beyond the mandatory retirement age last year may have prompted the government to do away with the country’s antiquated system of a fixed retirement age for the civil service.

However the Cabinet decision to extend this to the political arena – for now, it applies only to Barisan component parties – has caught many by surprise. Whispers along the corridors of power have described this as a Machiavellian move by the Prime Minister to extend his own tenure indefinitely through a consensual approach.

The latest move by the Government has predictably drawn protests from the opposition which has described it as another attempt by the current political leadership to ingratiate itself with the civil service elite and to block the legitimate promotion prospects of a younger generation of civil service leaders that are generally perceived to support the opposition rather than ruling parties.

However, unexpected support for this move has come from Asean political leaders who have described it as a bold and innovative move. One leader from Myanmar has proposed that a similar measure be adopted by all the Asean countries so as to break Western hegemonic practices of career tenure. Another leader has described it as closer to traditional Asian values and traditions, and pointed out that the system of lifelong leadership is also prevalent in the Middle East countries, especially those with political and religious traditions that have resisted populist Western-based notions of democracy.

Developer’s surprise on Putrajaya: There goes the neighbourhood and market

The prominent Middle East-based property developer, Malamud, Sugarman and Boloch today announced that it has secured ownership rights over large tracts of Putrajaya.

In a court injunction order seeking to restrain the Federal Government from building its most ambitious project to date – the Muzium Mahamahathir – the developer company produced papers showing that it is the rightful owner of much of what was originally believed to be freehold land held in the names of other owners. This included the one on which the massive museum complex, intended to house the over three million unique artifacts highlighting the Mahathir era achievements, is being built.

In the court documents made public, the lawyers for the property company allege that the so-called original titles are in fact forgeries and that a land scam involving some of the biggest names in the Putrajaya development scene has been going on for a long time.

News reporters speaking with key court and other officials have been told that this is a bigger case than the PKFZ story in terms of the quantum of public money involved and beats the RMAF jet engine fiasco in terms of the sophistication of the illegal operations.

It is also believed that the foreign-based company is not acting alone but is in alliance with disgruntled local business leaders who have been disappointed that they had not been able to get their fair share of the billions of ringgit worth of contracts given out for Putrajaya development.

A bigger story is that the major shadowy figure lurking in the case is George Sorrow. According to the Internet rumour mill that has been quickest to come out with the story, Sorrow is bent on making sure that the structure in honour of Malaysia’s former Prime Minister with whom he has clashed on numerous occasions will not be built.

The biggest story has been the shock ripples in the KLSE with the market index falling by an unprecedented 40% in just two hours of trading following the court action and before trade was suspended indefinitely.

Shares of property companies linked to construction projects in Putrajaya were hardest hit but all counters saw panic selling. To reassure investors, Khazanah Nasional together with Perbadanan Putrajaya have set up an emergency fund of RM200 billion to buy up distressed stocks and to prevent total collapse in the market.

According to a key Khazanah official who asked not to be named, “we see the hidden hand of foreign speculators and manipulators and in particular George Sorrow in this meltdown but we shall fight them with all our resources.???

Malaysian population now 50 million: We hump ahead of South Korea

The Malaysian population has now been officially revised to 50 million following the end of the six month “100 Ringgit a Head Giveaway??? campaign. This national campaign which has involved the youth wings of the ruling parties and Rela has been an unprecedented success in providing a quicker and truer estimate of the country’s burgeoning population.

Premised on the assumption that Malaysians respond best to the cash incentive, the campaign gives RM100 to members of the public for every illegal or officially unregistered migrant that the person is able to bring to the attention of the Department of New Statistics.

According to the country’s leading statistical experts, this has proven to be a brilliant strategy at arriving at the correct number of residents in the country. This number has previously eluded the best efforts of the country’s statistical service during the last 30 years. The new cost-effective way of arriving at the population could mean that we need not continue with the previous method of expensive and inaccurate population enumeration conducted by the old Statistics Department.

Following the announcement, the CEO of a leading think tank expressed his view that he was not surprised at the large upward revision. According to him, he had privately communicated his opinion that there was a massive undercounting in the country’s population on several occasions but that this had been ignored. “Now my views are proven correct!???

He also added that a large population would not pose a problem for the country’s economic development. “In fact, the economies of large scale would now kick in. With the larger internal market now confirmed, Proton and other local manufacturers would be big-time winners!???

Another prominent think tank leader pointed out that the latest population count would provide an important boost to the country’s image, especially after its poor showing at the recent Southeast Asia games held in Laos. In the Laos games, we finished fourth amongst competing countries – a low ranking because of our “small population???.

With the upward revised population, he was of the opinion that we will now be able to surge ahead of other countries in the medal standings in the next games. For now, he also pointed out that “we are officially ahead of South Korea, Taiwan and Myanmar??? in the population ranking.

Meanwhile Che Det in his blog declared that “I have again proven wrong the skeptics who scoffed at my population target of 70 million for the country. We will arrive at this figure in my lifetime???, he predicted.